Rules for surviving a murderous madman attack.

If you've watched as many horror films as I have, you will be screaming at the TV as much as I do. Here are some tips on how to survive a slasher movie, you know, just in case.

1) Never say "This only happens in movies", you will die. Fast.


2) Never get drunk or high off drugs. You will be killed, albeit in a funny manner.


3) Don't randomly decide you're horny. Sex whilst being stalked by a maniac is just asking for it.


4) Look up lucid dreaming on the internet. Learn it, practice it, apply it.


5) Unless you want to: 1) Have the lamest death ever 2) Be killed in your dreams. You should make friends with caffeine, sleeping will result in your demise. Coffee, Coke, Pepsi, Red Bull, Pro Plus = all good sources.


6) Dress respectfully, if you watch these flicks carefully you'll see that the scantily clad, naked ladies get killed first.


7) Did you hear that? Yes we all heard it and we are now going to get away from the area. Do not ask who is there and do not go find the source of the noise. 

8) Ooooh what's that? We don't know, and you don't want to know. Do not touch it, in fact run in the opposite direction.


9) Feeling mucky? Deal with it. If you climb into a shower with a madman on the loose then frankly, you deserve your fate.


10) Wear sensible shoes. You're going to fall over. A LOT. Running in stilettos will just make you an easier target. Even if you're running across a completely flat surface, you will trip, the killer will be ambling towards you and you will be screwed.


11) Are you an oddball? Or a loner? give yourself a pat on the back, you're going to survive.


12) Are you a bully? Ridiculously popular? Congratulations you've killed yourself off before the film's even started. 

13) Remember how you never go anywhere without your phone? Hang it around your neck if you have to, just keep it with you. Make sure it's charged and ring the police, not your parents, not your boyfriend. The police.


14) Has the killer infiltrated your house? Then leave. Don't run upstairs and lock yourself in your bedroom. You will almost certainly die. You are not Sidney (scream) so just run for it.


15) If you have a gun, check the safety now. Later will be too late.


16) Keep your knives in a drawer, not in a knife block. Take the biggest one you have with you.


17) Home alone for the night? Babysitting? Check that EVERY door and window is locked. In fact, check all the wardrobes, cupboards and showers before the parents leave.


18) After you've checked all the wardrobes, cupboards and showers for a killer, DO NOT use them as a hiding spot. Chances are that the first places you look for a killer are also the first places they will look for their victims.


19) Have you found a good hiding place? Then shut your mouth, literally. The smallest whimper will give away your location.

20) Phew! You escaped the killer. Run and find a car to escape in. Bear in mind that any of these will happen: 1) There is no petrol (gas). 2) You will drop the keys in a puddle of mud. 3) The killer will predict which car you'll be taking so check the backseat. 4) No matter how fast you run or how far you drive, the killer will catch up (with his slow amble) and probably appear in front of the car.


21) Pay attention to your background music. This will tell you when you're about to die. In fact, listen out for some ominous music, a lot of killers have their own theme tune.


22) Have a boy/girlfriend? Not for long. They either die, making you a nervous wreck who will be killed next OR I'm sorry to break this to you but, they're the psychopath.


23) Does your maniac talk endlessly? Then he's the easiest to kill. Killers who remain silent for the entire film will not die, a lá Michael Myers.

24) Think you've killed the monster? Do not feel for a pulse, listen for breath or celebrate. They're not dead. Smash them in the face a few more times, run them over some more or slice the head off.


25) Hopefully you've survived your encounter with a madman! Be prepared for a good few sequels, for the killer to have siblings wanting to avenge their death, for the killer to come back with superhuman powers. In fact, just accept that you'll never be rid of the psycho.


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Hope you enjoyed the list! Have you got any tips or rules? Post them in the comments and I'll add them in!